Permission to ask for help
===
[00:00:00] /
Mel: Welcome to Permission to be Human, the podcast. I'm your host, Mel Findlater mother, coach, and curator of Permission to be Human, the company and community. If you're a mom, know a mom, or want to be a mom, and you crave getting out in the world to make a difference, then you're in the right place. This is a space for moms like you to connect with yourself, your purpose, and your big, audacious dreams.
Because when you feel your best, you can better you, your family, and the wider world. Let's do this.
It takes a village to raise a child. Well, it's a cliche for a reason. It's true. And in this episode, I would like to explore the act of asking for help. And provide an invitation to think about it differently, perhaps even as a gift. The thing is asking for help is hard. It feels [00:01:00] vulnerable.
Like somehow we are not good enough to do it all by ourself. And we have this.
Cultural expectation that somehow we are supposed to be able to, but I call BS on that. And it's impossible to do this all by ourself to raise our kids, but also simply to live. So let's ask for help and let's explore this episode. What that could look like.
We need to ask for help. It takes a village to not only raise a child or two children or 10 children. But to raise ourself as well to allow ourselves that space to actually be fully.
Human. Right. We need that space to be ourself and not be in crisis survival mode all the time. And.
I give you permission to not [00:02:00] do it all because.
Because it is literally impossible. You can't do it all. All the things like having a well paid job, being the perfect mom, whatever that even means. Making the dinners and cleaning the house and having the Pinterest worthy birthday party and doing this all with a smile on your face as if it's the best possible thing ever. These things are great on their own, but they are above and beyond what one person is designed to do. Right.
Especially if we plan on taking ourselves, taking care of ourselves in the meantime,
And one of Renee Brown's talks about shame. She.
Talks about how for females. Our shame often comes from not being able to do at all. And that just goes to show you that our culture is flawed. Right. [00:03:00] Our culture has taught us that we should be able to do this all as a woman. Whatever it all is.
And permission to just not do it all. And if you have the inevitable shame that will come with that, let's work through it. Shame grows on its own. And when it's spoken out loud and community and connection with other people who get it, It starts to disappear.
So even though I'm tempted to say that there is no shame in not doing it all. We we feel it because we are raised in this culture. We are raised in this community. If you're like me from the, so I'm coming from my perspective, of course. But if your culture is similar to mine in this Western world, I'm from Canada. You know, a white female. I've been raised to think I should be able to do it all as a woman. [00:04:00]
So there is shame in it, but it's based on a lie it's based on a cultural expectation that sets us up for failure. And honestly that's where a lot of my like feminist rage comes from. That's B. How are we supposed to be flourishing human beings? When we are set up for failure, failure.
So, what do we do about it?
Well, the first thing, like I've said in so many. Of the episodes is to really notice that I acknowledge it. And then to name what it is, right to name the fact that I feel. Like crap, because I don't think I can do this all.
And then figure out what to do with it.
So this morning, my husband happens to be away right now. I had a horrible morning with my kids. And I felt like the worst possible mum. I couldn't keep my cool. I was very. [00:05:00] Frustrated by their frustration so quickly, we're trying to get out of the door in time and just nothing was, seemed to be going right.
And I was eventually in tears saying, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do it all.
Right. And I'm sure every single mother or parent even has had that out there. So the shame is there. So I can notice it as in like, oh, like I should know how to do this. This should come naturally. I should know exactly what to say to my children at exactly the right time. That's the shame talking. Right.
So I noticed that and now. I'm naming it.
And I'm still navigating through it. I am navigating through it by some self care routines that I've done this morning. I went and got something done in a meeting that I had to have. I am going to go for a walk with my dog. I came home and I laid in my hammock and just was for a second. [00:06:00] You know, for a few, few minutes, I just laid there. I let myself be and my dog came up and snuggled in next to it. I put on meditative nature sounds in the car.
When I knew I had to go into this meeting. Even though I was completely dysregulated.
So that's how I navigated through it in the moment. And I still need to navigate it through it going ongoing. Right. I need to figure out how do I manage my mornings in a way that. Doesn't stress everybody out. How do I ask for help?
So. How do we do this? I'm hoping that this next part is going to help with that.
I've been thinking about asking for help for awhile. This concept of it. Right. And how asking for help is actually a gift to the person that you ask. So our hesitation is often not to ask for help because we [00:07:00] think. It is a burden on the other person. And we think it's showing that I don't know how to do it all myself.
So if we get over the whole. I can't do it on myself thing. We acknowledge it. We noticed named navigate. Right. Like we just talked about, then we move on to the next bit of. What we assume the other person feels and thinks. And I'd like to challenge you to, to challenge your own stories.
So for me to get this point across, I'd like to tell you a story.
A few years back. I worked with adults who had learning difficulties in the UK. That's what we call them in Canada. We would have called, we would call them adults who are neurodiverse in some way.
So I want you to imagine a. Male, we'll call him Steve for now. Who's 44 years old. And one of the funniest people I have ever met. He didn't even need to speak to get me to laugh [00:08:00] as his facial expressions would say it all. He also has down syndrome. And as a child, he went to a special school, one designated, especially for people who have a variety of disabilities. His needs were met.
He learned, he enjoyed, he socialized I've met his parents. They are glorious. And as an adult.
He continued to need 24 hour care, which for him meant still living with his parents for a very long time.
He needs help every single day with. A variety of life skills.
So now I ask you. When do you think this man. When do you think he was last asked for help by somebody else?
I don't mean to help him. He's been helped his whole life. When do you think was the last time he was asked? To [00:09:00] help someone else.
Now imagine, what do you think it would feel like if he was asked for help? And I don't mean tokenistic help. Like, can you open that door?
Well, that can be a good one too. I mean the big ones, like help that we actually truly need.
Like, Hey, I'm so busy these days that I don't have time to wash the car. Do you think you'd be able to help me do that? Or you're so good with my two year old and getting them to laugh. I really need to get some work done. Do you think you could play with them right over there while I get my work done?
Or I noticed how good you are doing your laundry.
And I'm really struggling with mine. I wonder if I could get your help with mine too, and you can pay him for these things. You can figure out some sort of exchange. But you don't have to necessarily either. Just imagine what he would feel like. [00:10:00] Do you think he'd feel annoyed that he was being asked?
Do you think he would think why the heck. Can't you do it.
Or. Really can't you ask someone else? No, he'd be absolutely thrilled that he was asked to help. He would feel important. He would feel like you trusted him. And he would feel useful.
Going through a life where he was the one that was always being helped.
Now he gets to help back.
So.
And asking him to help. You'd be giving him a gift. The gift of pride. The gift of mattering. The gift of feeling worthy of your trust.
Now tell me. Is that worth the ask? [00:11:00]
I think so. Right. I share this story because it is an extreme example of going from not being asked to be an asked and feeling helpful.
A life of not helping. I will not be one that feels fulfilling. We want to help.
As humans, we are designed to help and to be in community.
Now the person you asked for help. Doesn't need to be neurodiverse or be one of the more vulnerable people in society though. Believe me. That is a world changing idea. Please do go ask the more vulnerable people in society to help you. And see what happens instead of us always helping them. And yes, we help them to.
Now. Imagine the last time you were asked for help. Not by your kids or your partner, but someone outside your four walls. Just think about it for a second. Maybe [00:12:00] it was a neighbor. Or a parent or a friend.
Maybe they asked you to watch their dog while they were at work or to look after their kid while they made the dinner. Or to even share a dinner together. There's so many ways that we could be helping each other out.
And when you were asked for help, how did you feel?
Perhaps it was similar to the gentleman I mentioned above. Or perhaps you felt guilty because you needed to say no.
Well, Most of the time.
If it's. Someone who you care for.
We feel as the person receiving the request. Thankful. I feel important. My neighbor looked at. I helped to look [00:13:00] after her dog the other day. And she was having a harder week and I was like, well, of course. I would love to look after your dog for the day.
Right. And I feel important because I've done that. I feel happier and like, I have more purpose because I've been able to help. And don't get me wrong if I couldn't do it, I say no. And that's the key thing here. Is that.
When someone asks me for help.
They do so trusting.
That I will say no. If it's beyond my capabilities.
Right. We need to have that conversation too. We don't say yes, just because. We don't push ourselves to our extremes just because. But if I want to ask someone for help now, [00:14:00] I feel like it's a gift. To them and me saying to them, I trust that you will say no, if you need to say no to this. And sometimes I say that blatantly. So please say no, if you need to, and I'd love some help.
If not from you, maybe you can help me figure out where else. Right. Because we need that help. You know, if you're a mum with a baby. Oh, my goodness. Get someone, ask someone to hold your baby while you have a shower. Take them out for a walk. So you don't have to hear them if they happen to cry.
Right. Take that moment for yourself. And I promise you, there are so many people that want to give your baby a snuggle. Right. Because once we're past baby stage, we love babies. And we miss them and we don't want any more of our own, but oh my goodness. What I love to give a baby a snuggle right now. Right. Even a crying one. [00:15:00]
And if you're past that stage into the school age stuff.
How can you ask for help? My husband's away. I always think, okay, where can I get help for the week? My parents in law live nearby. So I say, okay, it'd be really useful if they could pick up the schools from. Pick up the kids from school on this day.
And I even went to the extent of saying, Hey, The hardest thing when my husband goes away is making dinner every single night. And then also making the lunches in the morning. Because we share. The dinner duties normally. And he makes the lunches in the morning. So it's an addition to what I normally already do, which I'm already stressed and worried about. So I say, Hey. If you really want to help, you've offered. Could you make like a meal for us one night. And of course they said yes.
And do you know what sometimes they say no and that's okay too, because now I [00:16:00] know that they'll say no.
So.
The point of all of this, is that asking for help? Is truly a gift to the other person. It's a gift of trust.
It's a gift of showing them they matter.
It's a gift of giving them purpose. If they don't feel it already.
And he's a gift of saying, yeah, I trust that. You're going to say no, if you need to, but I'm going to be vulnerable with you and say that this is really hard right now. And I really need help in this area.
Right.
Now, alongside thinking about the last time you were asked for help, think about how it felt when you actually helped. It feels good, right? The science shows us that it feels good to give. It feels good to [00:17:00] help. So how is it a negative thing if we give someone else the opportunity to feel good because they helped?
Mel: Just imagine a world where. All of us asked for help without the shame behind it.
How different would that be? That's the village that we all keep talking about.
Right. That's the village.
That we need.
So let's think about how we can help others because. Giving feels good. And let's ask for help.
So permission. To ask for help.
How can you do it this week? Today.
What do you need help with? And who can you ask?
/
[00:18:00] That is it, folks. This has been Mel Findlater on Permission to Be Human, the podcast, and I am so glad that you have joined us here today and hope that you have taken away some tidbits that will help you go away, connect with your big audacious dream, and make that massive impact in the world that you are dying to make.
If you liked today's episode, please, please, please Like it, share it, think of one person, think of one person that you think would also like it and Send it on over to them. Let's get this out there and more moms feeling like themselves inspired Dreaming big and out there being them. Please do head on over to find me on Facebook with permission to be human or Instagram or you can even Off me an email and say hello.
Have permission to be [00:19:00] human, always, at gmail. com. Say hello and let me know that you listened. What did you like about it? I would love to hear. If you didn't like it, I don't really want to know. Just kidding, you can share that if you want. I would love to know, however. who you are. Let's connect. Let's find out what you want more of.
As always, remember that you have permission to dream big, permission to feel big, and permission to be you. You have complete and full permission to be human. For real. You do.
